Hearing the words, “I don’t think you need me anymore.”, can either be heartbreaking or encouraging, depending on who says it. This sentence brought joy to me today, being that my therapist said these words.
I’ve been digging deep with her help, and of course God’s hand in as well, and I truly feel that I am becoming that person I want to be. A confident, happy, strong and empowered woman with no guilt or shame, and feels beautiful & sexy in my own skin—it’s been a long, long while since I’ve felt this way, if ever on most. A calm has come over me, I don’t worry over things like I used to, it’s liberating. I’m at peace with who I am, who I’ve become and with what was done, just that- it’s done. I’ve forgiven my perpetrators a while back and felt a burden lift off my shoulders, but I forgot the most important person, me. I didn’t forgive myself just yet. I still felt the pain and felt it was my fault. I was upset that I didn’t do more, turn it in, when there was evidence. This is what I needed to forgive of myself. I’ve finally let that go, that bird has flown. What a beautiful feeling, I hope you all experience it if you haven’t already.
I feel so blessed to be in this moment that I am, it’s serene. I’ve done some hard work and am reaping the rewards. I don’t have anything hanging over my head, holding me back. No one has a hold on me, I’m not letting that continue like I have, I cut that loose. I’m not holding on to it like a crutch for the reason I do this or that. I quit college; it was an effect of the rape. Of course, I didn’t want to see him in class or on campus. Scared of what might happen if we cross paths again. But when it comes down to it, I quit college. I couldn’t continue to blame him for a decision I made, just like I can’t blame myself for a decision he made.
I am aware that I still have work to do, but so does everyone. Life is a journey and on that journey we build, learn and grow; we never stop. I’m not stopping, just turning on a new path with my therapist staying on the old. I look forward to this new path, the twists, turns maybe even a dead-end before I need to turn on yet another path. I’ll keep on in this journey.
I was told in the beginning of this last path, “It’ll get better”, without ever knowing when or how. I’m glad I held on to those words, feverishly anticipating feeling it…and I’m there. Thank God, I’m there!