I bid you adieu.

February 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Hearing the words, “I don’t think you need me anymore.”, can either be heartbreaking or encouraging, depending on who says it. This sentence brought joy to me today, being that my therapist said these words.
I’ve been digging deep with her help, and of course God’s hand in as well, and I truly feel that I am becoming that person I want to be. A confident, happy, strong and empowered woman with no guilt or shame, and feels beautiful & sexy in my own skin—it’s been a long, long while since I’ve felt this way, if ever on most. A calm has come over me, I don’t worry over things like I used to, it’s liberating. I’m at peace with who I am, who I’ve become and with what was done, just that- it’s done. I’ve forgiven my perpetrators a while back and felt a burden lift off my shoulders, but I forgot the most important person, me. I didn’t forgive myself just yet. I still felt the pain and felt it was my fault. I was upset that I didn’t do more, turn it in, when there was evidence. This is what I needed to forgive of myself. I’ve finally let that go, that bird has flown. What a beautiful feeling, I hope you all experience it if you haven’t already.
I feel so blessed to be in this moment that I am, it’s serene. I’ve done some hard work and am reaping the rewards. I don’t have anything hanging over my head, holding me back. No one has a hold on me, I’m not letting that continue like I have, I cut that loose. I’m not holding on to it like a crutch for the reason I do this or that. I quit college; it was an effect of the rape. Of course, I didn’t want to see him in class or on campus. Scared of what might happen if we cross paths again. But when it comes down to it, I quit college. I couldn’t continue to blame him for a decision I made, just like I can’t blame myself for a decision he made.
I am aware that I still have work to do, but so does everyone. Life is a journey and on that journey we build, learn and grow; we never stop. I’m not stopping, just turning on a new path with my therapist staying on the old. I look forward to this new path, the twists, turns maybe even a dead-end before I need to turn on yet another path. I’ll keep on in this journey.
I was told in the beginning of this last path, “It’ll get better”, without ever knowing when or how. I’m glad I held on to those words, feverishly anticipating feeling it…and I’m there. Thank God, I’m there!
Filed Under: Blog

Don’t be a bystander, it’s a ripple effect.

February 18, 2011 By 1 Comment
The other day I made a visit to the University of Nebraska at Kearney to finalize my meet and greets with my advisors and professors before the summer session begins. I’m a preparer. By doing this I found out I can minor in Art, it was a dreamy day after this news, I was so elated. But I digress.
I must have been in such a dreamy state that when I was scouring through folders and my pile of papers forging a mountain on my passenger side seat, I forgot what I was looking for, so I just stuffed them in my purse and clicked the lock button on my door. Did one of those side bumps to shut the door since my hands were full, then noticed through the window, my keys lying on the passenger seat. Ugh, I deflated.
So a short call to my mom & dad to figure out what service to go through and the cheapest option, I called and waited.
Now the process of waiting is what got to me. Not the wait itself, but having the chance to sit and watch faculty and students walk through campus. I witnessed a young lady trip and drop her books and papers scattered from across the way. It was windy, so not an easy feat to retrieve the papers that instantly turned into a bird form. I got up from where I was sitting to go and see if she needed help. As I was walking, three other students walked by and didn’t even offer help. One girl was giggling, another was busy staring at the ground to notice and a young man glanced, but continued to walk away. We retrieved all but one paper that was caught for us by a nearby trash can, pinned to its side by the breeze.
After this incident, I still had time to sit and wait for the service to show up and unlock my car for me. So my mind began to wonder. Why didn’t those people stop? Then I wondered if the situation were something a bit more dramatic or even dangerous, if then would they step in or if it would deter them more? I was sitting on a bench and no one even noticed I was there when they walked by, if I needed help or was in danger, would someone come to my aid? May seem a little farfetched, but it happens. Someone is in danger, in public, during the day and still, NO ONE comes to their aid. Why? Because we need to fend for ourselves? We don’t want to put ourselves in potential danger? It’s none of our business? Someone else will help, I don’t need to? All excuses!  It made my stomach turn thinking of the Kitty Genovese Case in New York, 1964. Whether we want to think so or not, we’re here for each other and we need to take care of each other. If I know you or not is irrelevant, you are a human and I will help you or protect you if I have the ability. Period. Why is this a hard concept to grasp?
God has granted us with the ability to have compassion and helping hands & hearts, but we also grasped the selfish characteristic along the way. I call it the ‘What’s in it for Me’ syndrome. I confronted someone back when I was in my first round of college to ask them why they didn’t step in in a situation because I was frustrated. They said simply, “Because I don’t know that chic.”. Sad. Didn’t know we had to have a personal connection or relationship as a prerequisite to helping someone in need.  So I had to ask, “So, if it was your sister, you would have done something?”. His reply, “H*** yes!”. So then I followed up with; “Well that’s someone’s sister. Don’t you think it’s your responsibility to be a brotherly figure to her and help like you would want someone to do for your sister if you weren’t present to help her in a situation?”. He sat there silent and wide eyed, his head dropped in disappointment. Next time, he’ll do the right thing.
I want to challenge you, the reader, today. It’s up to you to decide how long you want to keep the challenge going; I personally take it every day. Here it is:
Don’t be a bystander or what I like to call an ‘excuse giver’ for your lack of help. Of course your time is precious & valuable to you and stopping to help someone with a flat tire, pick up items that they dropped, or even with a domestic violence dispute, would be worth it, even if you are a little late for that meeting/appointment/work. To them, it would ignite the fire for humanity that they just may have given up on because everyone claims to be ‘in it for me’. Show love and compassion to a stranger by giving a smile, a helping hand or even a hug. Yes, I said hug. I’ve hugged a complete stranger who was sitting alone crying, it started a beautiful conversation. You may just learn from this challenge, about others and yourself. Be careful, it may change you. The most important part about this challenge is this, DON’T expect anything in return. Don’t do something nice for someone to only expect payment or gifts in return; if this is your mindset, you are not ready for this challenge. You would be missing the point.
Here’s an example: (I realize not all my readers go to church, but just bare with me for exemplary reasons)
If you are at church and the offering plate comes by you, you have an option of dropping in the money anonymously, or putting it in an envelope. You may drop in a dollar or two most of the time, but when you decide to drop in a twenty dollar bill, fifty or higher- do you find yourself wanting to write a check to display the name of the giver, you? Or put it in an envelope with a note, just so they know who it came from? This to me, is missing the point. You are expecting favors even if you don’t know it. Not by gifts or money in return, but by favor in the way your church looks at you. Are you following me? Give gifts anonymously and watch from the sidelines as you see them receive it with big smiles, even bigger because they don’t know who it’s from, but it strengthens their faith in God to know there are people on earth that care. This is amazing, I promise you.
Now get started!
Filed Under: Blog

The Beauty from Magazine Pages.

February 16, 2011 By Leave a Comment
I had a personal assignment, well, from my Therapist- to flip through random magazines and clip out the images that I felt represent beauty. At first, all I could think is “This is going to be depressing”, as all the models are perfect. I didn’t really see how this assignment could help my self esteem.
I received magazines yesterday from my Therapist and dove in. Flipping, flipping, flipping to see more and more beautiful models. But then it dawned on me, they’re not natural, they’re airbrushed. That’s not beauty. As I kept thumbing through the magazines I found my eye being captured by natural beauty, I was drawn to it. Nature is so pure, natural by God. I wasn’t even looking at models anymore, but I was pulled to the art and abstracts of the pages instead. My creative mind began to awake and I got excited as ideas flooded my mind.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and started from the beginning, with a different perspective. And wouldn’t you know, images started jumping from the pages and it fell together seamlessly. The images chose me, but they also meant something to me, it wasn’t random.
The first picture I chose for my collage was none other than Jesus. You may be wondering what kind of magazine I thumbed through to find Him. Haha. Well, the very first I picked up, a travel magazine. The statue of Jesus in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. Fitting for how I perceive beauty.
Flowers, birds, trees and a caribou (Yes, a caribou. As in- Reindeer), were a great addition to the ‘natural beauty’. Buttons to me represent creativity, which is also a beauty in characteristic.
An image of an inviting empty chair with a pillow and blanket waiting for me to cuddle and relax, I added a candle to overlay this picture- tranquility.
Next, I found books. Knowledge is power that adds confidence. I love to read and confidence is an aspect of beauty. it had to be added.
You may think this is odd, but for an image, nothing says family more than a big dining room table waiting for loved ones to gather around to unite, share and connect with each other.
This next image struck me, I almost wisped past it not noticing, but took a second glance. A mother standing in a spiral, of her sons laundry and her son running to her. The artist of the photo explained that ‘the spiral represents the repetitive, seemingly endless tasks that come with domestic life and motherhood but is also a reinterpretation of Robert Smithson’s iconic Spiral Jetty [1970]’. This photograph to me, represents a mother being in the middle of a daily task, but can drop it all to play and show affection to her children.
Lastly, musical notes. Music can bring all walks of life, people or furry friends, together; you don’t have to know the language sung in order to enjoy music. You can feel this kind of beauty in your heart; this was a perfect image to end my collage. Like a symphony, it pulls everything together, a work of art. Speaking of art, an art frame seemed to be a nice touch for Jesus, because He Himself is beauty and I wanted the eye to be pulled to Him no matter where you looked.
So yes, at first this assignment seemed to confuse me and had me worried that I would get down. But it did lift my spirits, beauty is not about your physical appearance, it truly is about your heart. I’m so glad I got refocused and redirected.
This to me is natural beauty, the true beauty. How do you perceive beauty?
Filed Under: Blog

Pushing through.

February 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment
“One step forward, two steps back.”. We’ve all heard this idiom. Does it hold true? – For me, to an extent. I seem to push through one step of my recovery to be pulled back.  Once I feel I peeled a layer off by success, it reveals a multitude more that I need to tend to. It’s a process, and I’m not giving up.
Currently, I’m battling my body image (BDD). You may be wondering, ‘I thought she got past that’. Truth is, I pushed it to the side to deal with the bigger issues at hand. Now it seems it became one of the bigger issues since it was left to stew.
I’ve been on a new medication to help me with my anxiety, it’s helped some. The problem that I see with it though is that it’s strengthened my appetite. This in turn, has heightened my anxiety about my body image. I have gained four pounds since I’ve started taking it two months ago, which to most is no big deal at all, but I can’t seem to kick it. I beat myself up over those 4 pounds like you wouldn’t believe. I still fit in the small frame graph if you look up my height vs. weight, but I can’t see that and it shouldn’t matter honestly. Who cares what category I fit into, right? This could be confused with someone being vain, which would be incorrect. It runs much deeper than vanity; it hits the core of my soul. I’m in the running to be perfect, because I was told perfection was the only option.
This is where I’m going to let you into my deep, deep thoughts. This is how I rationalize my situation. I’ve been used in the worst kind of way, physically & mentally, in my past. Then ‘thrown away’, not needed or not good enough (my perception). Since my abuse I’ve always wondered what was wrong with me. I’ve strived to be better, which is a good quality, but I take it to the not healthy level. My past has warped me into thinking my outside self or body vs. my soul and character, make me who I am. Which I know is wrong, but it’s trickier than that. I view my body as dirty and ugly, still. I try to make myself perfect on the outside, which I know is impossible, to make myself feel worthy. So when I gain 4 pounds (or even 1 pound), I feel like I lose control of my worthiness. I’m not good enough anymore. When this happens I get anxiety that my husband will leave me because I may not be beautiful enough for him anymore, even though I know the truth that he’ll never leave my side. It’s sad really, a sickness. These are the walls I live in with my disorder, but this is only one room in a mansion.
I’m getting better, gradually, day by day. This is why you haven’t heard from me in almost two weeks, I’ve been taking care of myself. I’m learning to rotate my focus instead of centering it on one thing, this way every layer gets the attention & care it needs so I can continue to heal. My self worth is not based on my appearance, like I was told those many years ago. I am grounded in the now, present. I don’t want to miss my boys’ childhood by obsessing over untouchable perfection. I’m better than that and they deserve better than that.
I am shaping their minds right now. I can give a gift or a curse. These boys look up to me, their Mama. I want them to respect themselves and be happy and comfortable in their skin, but I need to demonstrate it for them. They also need me as a strong woman in their life and to teach them that women have worth other than what the eye sees. I want them to see the beauty within and it starts yesterday.
1 Peter 3:3-4 
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
My little men; who see my inner beauty, strength and their kind of perfect.
Filed Under: Blog